The Humor Files -- Computer Related Jokes
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Table of Contents:
If Operating Systems were beers
If Operating Systems drove cars
If Microsoft built cars
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IF OPERATING SYSTEMS WERE BEERS
DOS BEER
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the
directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an
8-ounce can, but now comes in a 16-ounce can. However, the can is
divided into eight compartments of 2 ounces each, which have to be accessed
separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going
to keep drinking it long after it's no-longer available.
MAC BEER
At first, came only in a 16-ounce can, but now comes in a 32-ounce can.
Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical.
When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list
is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told
that "you don't need to know". A notice on the side reminds you to drag
your empties to the trash can.
WINDOWS 3.1 BEER
The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-ounce can that looks a lot like
Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it
allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you
can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are
drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no
reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.
OS/2 BEER
Comes in a 32-ounce can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers
simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too,
but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open
them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking
OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims
that 9 million six-packs have been sold.
WINDOWS 95 BEER
A lot of people have taste-tested it and claim it's wonderful. The can
looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer.
It comes in 32-ounce cans, but when you look inside, the cans have only 16
ounces of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows
3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it.
The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the
same ingredients that come in DOS Beer, even though the manufacturer
claims that this is an entirely new brew.
WINDOWS NT BEER
Comes in 32-ounce cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This
causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The
can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the company promises to change
the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer. Touted as an
"industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.
UNIX BEER
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 ounces to 64
ounces. Drinkers of UNIX Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though
they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical.
Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to
have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you
either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been
drinking UNIX Beer for several years.
AMIGADOS BEER
The company has gone out of business, but its recipe has been picked up by
some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer
never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn't
understand marketing. Like UNIX Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely
loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-ounce can, but now comes
in 32-ounce cans, too. When this can was originally introduced, it
appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the
years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is
only meant for watching TV anyway.
VMS BEER
Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping.
However, cans have been known on occasion to explode, or possibly contain
extremely un-beerlike contents.
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What Driving to the Store Would be Like if Operating Systems Ran Your Car
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MS DOS: You get into the car and try to remember where you put the keys.
WINDOWS: You get into the car and drive to the store very slowly,
because attached to the back of the car is a freight train.
MACINTOSH SYSTEM 7: You get in the car to go to the store, and the car
drives you to church.
UNIX: You get in the car and type "grep store". After reaching speeds
of 200 miles per hour enroute, you arrive at the barber shop.
WINDOWS NT: You get in the car and write a letter that says "go to the
store." Then you get out of the car and mail the letter to the dashboard.
TALIGENT/PINK: You walk to the store with Ricardo Montalban, who tells
you how wonderful it will be when he can fly you to the store in his
Learjet.
OS/2: After fueling up with 6,000 gallons of gas, you get in the car and
drive to the store with a motorcycle escort and a marching band in
procession. Halfway there, the car blows up, killing everyone in town.
S/36 SSP: You get in the car and drive to the store. Halfway there you
run out of gas. While walking the rest of the way, you are run over by
kids on mopeds.
OS/400: An attendant locks you into the car and then drives you to the
store, where you get to watch everybody else buy filet mignons.